I fear you

I fear you..this is the first time i fear someone who is not even my family member or a GOD.

Yes, I fear GOD, I fear karma and I fear that people will hate me especially my family.

But the fear i feel is what i called a real fear. I hate the fact that for so many people in this world i only feel this to you. I hate myself for having this inside me, it so negative.

Im wondering if i do push you in this situation. I wonder if i said something that hurt you a lot.

If your asking me why?
Because you can actually hurt me physically, that i can never say a word now thinking that you will be so sensitive enough to think that im telling it to you indirectly, but to me it was just a simple conversation with me and others.
That inspite of me, telling others that your such a good person and that me, telling them that you have a good point in every negative arguments about work and that me, not giving any negative feedback to you in all my conversations with others concerning you. Im still thinking that we became friends in the past, that i known you for just a while but now all things were totally different. All black and blurry...

Why im not talking or go near to you?
That's because i dont want to. I dont want to be your friend but im not closing my door of my friendship to you but not now, maybe some other time or maybe someday it will open itself. I never go near because i dont want you to give me any negative feedbacks that will lead to this kind of feeling i have now. Or getting another negative email or feedback from you accussing me and telling me that i was so damn bad that it was my mistake by telling this things and that. All i want right now, is just a officemate relationship to you. Just simple hi! and a simple chat about work thats enough to me. Im not the kind of person who will smile and be good to a person in a blink of an eye. How can you be so good to someone if you know that person i not your friend.

I asked people around me what will i do to stop this emotional black mailing or this reverse psychology or which ever word you want to put to this kind of torturing you are throwing to me.

Why cant you just moved on...Why cant you just leave me alone..Why can you be just be nice to accept the fact that you have your life to live and that you have family to love, that you have somebody who love you inspite every thing you have been through and that you have friends to put a hand on your shoulders whenever your down.

I dont know what you're thinking i just what to tell you those things right in front of face but im afraid. I could get a kick from you in doing this so.hehehehe

I hate the things you have told me this morning. I was just telling to a person how good he is. That he is willing to set aside his aching tummy to do the work done.
Is it nice?
Complimenting someone positively and yet you told me that im telling that to you negatively and that you want to physically hurt me.

You know what?
im not used to that kind of situation and i dont know what will i act or tell to you and that all possibility of friendship was drained to me that time. I also feel that you were the most bad villain i ever known in my life. That you were the serpent who will let me lose my temper and someone who will put me to hell but still i remember my family and friends to love , my problems to solve, my career to push, my life to live, my future to plan, my someone to take care and love and most specially, my attitude to be put in a good side so santa can give me a gift in christmas because i was a good person.

Im not into cursing nor shouting. Im more on a silent type of person when im mad.
Actually, Im not mad of the past things, Im just mad of the things you are doing today.
Especially you accussing me of things ive never done. Im not even into explaining nor talking about every thing i just want it to passed me like wind touching my face and because those were just yesterday. And you can never erase what you have said and do. All we can do is let them passed you. ive learned that lesson to you and i thank you for that, and i am.

But please next time, do remember that im not your sacrificial lamb.

Well, thanks for this blog that i was able to remember things. Things that ive learned from you, things that i will never do next time around.